Released from hospital

Well, this wasn't how I intended to return to the blog. I have loads of ideas for enough entries to keep it alive for a while. But I guess this is the way I brush the dust off of it. People ought to know.

In a week in which I was, seemingly, only mildly frustrated at how my current creative pursuit was going a lot slower than I thought it would, having taken all week just to draw up a plan, I went to see the QCT production of Rent. Spectacular show, I'd never seen it in any form before, and it was really, really great, but, I found it triggered me. I can't say I've ever been right and properly traumatically triggered before... I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to miss the second half of the show either... but I sent my friend Mason, who was in the show, a text that I was in crisis. He drove me to the hospital and I remained in the ward for six days... which is four days longer than I feel was strictly necessary, I was ready to get back to my life by day two, but, maybe too ready... I was jittery... the doctor and therapist wanted me to chill out first.

Here I am, freshly released. I'd say I was pretty chill. Was dying for a shave, which I've had, felt good. Why do I always have that one eye squintier than the other in photos? And how is it that my hair always looks so much better mirrored than in reality? You'd think that wouldn't matter.

So, here's the thing about Rent - it came at me from both sides. You might say "run your own race", or "comparison is the thief of joy" - I have difficulty keeping a healthy relationship with that concept.

I saw people who were better than me. Rent is a great work of art in itself, and even this production in particular, I'm looking at it and thinking, "I will never be on that level of art."

And I saw people who were worse off. These characters deal with eviction and possible homelessness in midwinter, prejudice, most of them have AIDS in an era when that meant certain death... they have problems. And I think to myself, "I don't have any problems. I struggle just because I'm bad at everything. It's my fault, and I don't deserve to be depressed."

It was too much to handle. Spectacular show, though, I wouldn't have wished to miss it.

You ever seen Bluey? I've watched the whole series (as it stands thus far, two-thirds of the way through Season 3) three times over on Disney+. Delightful show. I'd like to point you to episode 47 of Season 2, "Baby Race". It deals in the themes that upset me, and helped me with them in moments when I was more at rest. I'm also given to understand that it makes moms cry. Check it out, and if you liked it, hit me up for more episode recommendations, I've got loads of them, 'cause, there's a lot of episodes and... while they're all good for adults, all head and shoulders above any other preschool content of the last 40 years... some stand out more in that department and I have a list of favorites.