Spoons

Ugh, had a bad week, at least the back half of the week -- spent two days sitting around doing absolutely nothing and falling into despair; then on the third day I had a shift at work and that cleared my head, so that's nice. I'm continuing to try to get my life together.

In the community of... something, be it depression or anxiety or ADHD, one of those things, doesn't much matter, I have all of them... there exists the concept of being "out of spoons". Basically, the human mind is a drawer full of spoons, and fulfilling any sort of task is a spoon. When you're out of spoons, you're mentally incapable of doing anything else for the rest of the day.

Me? I have exactly one spoon. Always have. Long before I discovered the "spoon" concept, putting a name to it and making me realize it's not some freakish defect of mine, I realized that I could only do one thing per day. If I have an appointment to go to on a given day, well, after that appointment I'm not making any phone calls that day, no matter how important a phone call that day might be. It is literally not possible. Last week, I wanted to take a shower and do my laundry. After taking my shower in the morning, I was mentally out of commission until very, very late that night, when I'd finally regained the energy I needed to do the laundry.

I tried to restructure my to-do list again to reflect that, to reflect my nature of having only one spoon, but... it just doesn't work. I just have too many things to do to be able to accept the way my mind is wired. Still only getting one thing done a day. But... I'm gonna keep trying to do more. Every single day, trying.