End of May

Well, I can't say that nobody reads the blog anymore. I'll miss the running gag, but having engagement is, obviously, so much better. Thank you for your time. Keep it up if you can.

My mom told me I should have taken a more positive approach. I try to do that. Buuut, people only stop ignoring me when I hit rock bottom and act pathetic. I don't mean to manipulate people like that, but, I always talk about the way I feel, and when I feel pathetic, it works. Hopefully I won't be feeling that way much anymore! Things are getting productive around here. We have material and we'll be taking action and hopefully it's all worthy of notice.

So, let's see, let's try to get back to this whole deal where I blog every day and post on Monday! It's Monday now, but the previous blog was posted on Friday, so we can wait. So, yeah, let's try to keep that in mind, anytime something TAPAS happens, that isn't a secret, I ought to talk about it.

TAPAS Phase Two approaches! Specifically, I want Better Yet? to be released with the improved veneer of Phase Two, so I have to finish things up as quickly as I can -- Podcasts 51 and 52, plus a few other things I think should be released while it's still Phase One; the last few Little Mermaid retrospectives, some Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator videos I made with Aramie ages ago, and the "Possessions" videos, about my apartment and everything in it, also filmed months ago, but motivation to edit just never came to me.

When Podcast 52 comes out, well, you'll know Phase Two when you see it, the entire look of TAPAS will change, you'll see stuff I've been holding back, saving for the milestone. And I hope that milestone arrives in just three weeks. Wish me luck...

Having some computer problems lately. Hardware getting older... I'm waiting until a milestone comes, namely the Better Yet? trailer, before I take it in to the shop. Hope I can afford to get it all fixed and that it doesn't take too long, so I can continue creating and releasing in not too long. And in addition to that, my video-editing software had an upgrade that took some adjusting to and is accompanied by some audio glitches they're working on fixing. Figured it out, mostly, but it requires me to be a bit more vigilant about videos coming together smoothly. I'd say that's a positive.

We've just cut a raw version of the trailer for Better Yet? That'll be out next Friday if all goes well. That was fun, picking out lines from the show, and... setting the mood.

I've reached out to the casts of Irregular Fantasy! and Keys & Kingdoms: The Choices, assembled long ago, hoping to reassemble them shortly. A handful haven't gotten back to me yet, but most have, and every one who's answered has given a very enthusiastic yes.

I also gave David Morgan-Mar a big portfolio of all Irregular Fantasy! material thus far. He wanted me to fill him in on precisely what it is we do around here, and I told him, you know, just some creative types... not in any professional or career capacity... just wanting to make stuff that people see. I'm sure he understands, you know, he started out by pointing his webcam at his hand-painted D&D miniatures and hasn't changed that setup very much in the past eighteen years. I'm sure he understands humble beginnings. Though, yes, I am rather nervous about him pulling the plug... I've put so much work and genuine passion into Irregular Fantasy! At this point it's the story I want to tell most, but... that's probably because the characters came pre-made, so it was easier to conceive of ideas. It's his property. And right now, he says he has to give it some thought. I am anxious beyond all reason. Just have to trust that things will go well.

Monday again now! This week, we're editing Better Yet? itself, assuming the trailer is finished promptly. And my mom and sisters are coming by for a visit, squeezing in a recording session for my sisters' dialogue in The Choices pilot and teasers. Meep, having two things going on at once like that and such small windows of time to get them done, that's crazy overwhelming. Planning it all out today is... physically heating my head, that's a new one.

May Blog!!!

Well, gosh, it's been over a month since I started writing a blog post. Not sure why, so much has gotten me going lately. Better Yet? is nearly all recorded; we have one scene left to do and then we have plans for the release of a trailer, which will include the release date of the show itself.

Hmm, with things being so ready to release, it feels not quite right to leak anything in the blog. Suffice it to say, projects are picking up speed enough that I almost feel comfortable starting to move forward before steps are altogether finished. I've been cautious about that for the past year, but... things are goin'.

Yeah, I've been playing my cards close to my chest for the past year or so with TAPAS, because, well, I've often made big grandiose claims of what I'm working on and they've never really panned out. But those things are getting done now. I don't think I should publicly talk about them more than I have been, but definitely I can open up the team a bit more, let them see everything that's going on so they're not feeling so alone.

Here's a little something I do feel worth sharing, another storyboard frame from the Irregular Fantasy! teaser, being boarded by Sadie. I was going to present this reel to David Morgan-Mar when it was done, but it's taking a while. So instead I'll touch base with David once the character designs are done, which they almost are. Didn't anticipate the character design being done faster than the boards, but life has a way of surprising you. Fingers crossed on David actually approving of all this stuff.

I've discovered as of late, that a lot of things are endemic among the TAPAS crew. Being scatterbrained, mostly. But also struggling with motivation to create art. Finishing college and struggling with job-hunting. Family being judgmental of artistic pursuits. I've heard of it from all directions and... yeah, like I said, bringing the team together a bit more, no longer bouncing one-on-one with them so much, a whole lot more working together and engaging in mutual support? I think it's about that time.

Another classic storyboard from just last night, hehe, this one a Choices board from Naty. The Choices storyboards are over 80% finished now. Pretty much everything... except the works assigned to one artist in particular. Someone whom I'm just going to have to try to nurture and care for, 'cause they're sure as hell not quitting, but... all the same, they're not really doing it either, so we'll just have to see what kind of solution can be concocted.

My mom and sisters come to visit in a couple of weeks, just the first few days of June, and with that small window, well, I figured I might as well record their dialogue for that Choices pilot whether it's ready for them or not. And it that case, well, may as well move forward with everything else. Yesss, today's blog is all about opening up about what all the plans are.

I spoke today with my employment counselor, our first real meeting. It was a difficult thing to figure out. Strengths, skills, abilities? Me? None that I'm aware of. A job I'm capable of doing? I can't conceive of such a thing. Not being negative, I legitimately do not know of any job I can do... to be specific, anything I can emotionally cope with doing. I've succeeded at a few things, but not without being in a constant state of an emotional breakdown... so in my mind, I didn't succeed, I didn't get out alive.

My counselor made a lot of points rather similar to things my mom has told me in the past, one being the question of if I'd be so mean to a friend of mine if they were struggling the way I was. If I'd consider other people useless as I consider myself, get as angry as I get at myself. Well, I have gotten angry at other people over the glacier-slow schedule TAPAS keeps, but no, I could never possibly be as angry at someone else for that as I am at myself. I don't just get mad at myself on a daily basis for failing to achieve the day's goals... I outright hate myself. Always have, ever since I was a precocious toddler, and my politeness and scientific literacy just made people laugh. That hurt. And I've never stopped hurting.

See, I've been convinced from a young age that of all the people in the world, surely there's not one out there who matches me for dysfunction, lack of motivation, social inadequacy, inability to cope. So I expect so much better out of everyone else in the world. And faced with proof that other people struggle just as much as I do? That emotionally wrecked me, because my view of the whole world was shattered. I resented realizing that the rest of the world isn't better than me, that they couldn't fix my flaws and elevate me. If I'm not the least resilient person on earth, if I'm normal, what hope is there for humanity?

But hey, quite a bit of the above are themes of Better Yet?, definitely keep an eye out for that show, it's damn good. I know it's good because not once have I thought that the fact that I'm starring in it has doomed it to failure. Even I could make the material good.

Well, I mean, that's not really a thought that I would have, I've always been pretty sure that I'm a good actor. Good writer? Not on demand or from any sort of prompt, but I think so. And I'm always where I need to be on time, and I can navigate an airport. These are things about me that impress other people. I don't really get it, for me it's how can I not show up on time? And it's not like I'm any good at the job once I get there. So I don't impress myself, and more to the point, that is everything I'm good at, and you don't get paid for any of that unless you strike gold. And I've come to see other good aspects, like that I always finish what I start and that I always tell the truth, as vices, because depression now means finishing a project takes years longer than it did when I was a kid... and valuing honesty? To get ahead in this world you have to spread bullshit, and I can't bring myself to do that.

So, er, that was a bit of a tangent, I didn't mean to really go off on my insecurities in so much detail. The point is, you know... TAPAS was never meant as this big "me" thing where I boss everyone around. It was to bring people together from all corners of my life and bond with them while being creative, something most of the people I love are all about.

It hasn't been that easy. Art is hard enough when it's yours. Doing the work on someone else's art, that's stressful, and we have indeed gone through a lot of stress in the past year. Doesn't help that I have a lot of trouble explaining my art. After being told a few too many times that no one cares, actually trying to explain my stories and characters instantly sends me into defensive panic mode; I can never finish telling it before I shut down. And now, with progress actually being made, I've been keeping most of it just between me and the individual artists, because as I said earlier, I'm scared now of making grand claims lest I once again hit a massive wall, fade away, and end up looking like a deluded fool who dreamt too big.

But now, now it's getting done, and I think it's time to start spreading that news and development throughout the whole team, letting all the insiders know... you are not alone. Those of you reading this blog who aren't insiders, well, no one reads this blog, so, never mind, my statement here is, the blog will stay the same. But I'm going to try to make the TAPAS Insiders communities on Discord and Facebook.... I was going to say "lively again", but they've never been lively, they've generally been little more than me speaking into the void, but I will try to make them a living, intimate place. Where we can create.