May Blog!!!

Well, gosh, it's been over a month since I started writing a blog post. Not sure why, so much has gotten me going lately. Better Yet? is nearly all recorded; we have one scene left to do and then we have plans for the release of a trailer, which will include the release date of the show itself.

Hmm, with things being so ready to release, it feels not quite right to leak anything in the blog. Suffice it to say, projects are picking up speed enough that I almost feel comfortable starting to move forward before steps are altogether finished. I've been cautious about that for the past year, but... things are goin'.

Yeah, I've been playing my cards close to my chest for the past year or so with TAPAS, because, well, I've often made big grandiose claims of what I'm working on and they've never really panned out. But those things are getting done now. I don't think I should publicly talk about them more than I have been, but definitely I can open up the team a bit more, let them see everything that's going on so they're not feeling so alone.

Here's a little something I do feel worth sharing, another storyboard frame from the Irregular Fantasy! teaser, being boarded by Sadie. I was going to present this reel to David Morgan-Mar when it was done, but it's taking a while. So instead I'll touch base with David once the character designs are done, which they almost are. Didn't anticipate the character design being done faster than the boards, but life has a way of surprising you. Fingers crossed on David actually approving of all this stuff.

I've discovered as of late, that a lot of things are endemic among the TAPAS crew. Being scatterbrained, mostly. But also struggling with motivation to create art. Finishing college and struggling with job-hunting. Family being judgmental of artistic pursuits. I've heard of it from all directions and... yeah, like I said, bringing the team together a bit more, no longer bouncing one-on-one with them so much, a whole lot more working together and engaging in mutual support? I think it's about that time.

Another classic storyboard from just last night, hehe, this one a Choices board from Naty. The Choices storyboards are over 80% finished now. Pretty much everything... except the works assigned to one artist in particular. Someone whom I'm just going to have to try to nurture and care for, 'cause they're sure as hell not quitting, but... all the same, they're not really doing it either, so we'll just have to see what kind of solution can be concocted.

My mom and sisters come to visit in a couple of weeks, just the first few days of June, and with that small window, well, I figured I might as well record their dialogue for that Choices pilot whether it's ready for them or not. And it that case, well, may as well move forward with everything else. Yesss, today's blog is all about opening up about what all the plans are.

I spoke today with my employment counselor, our first real meeting. It was a difficult thing to figure out. Strengths, skills, abilities? Me? None that I'm aware of. A job I'm capable of doing? I can't conceive of such a thing. Not being negative, I legitimately do not know of any job I can do... to be specific, anything I can emotionally cope with doing. I've succeeded at a few things, but not without being in a constant state of an emotional breakdown... so in my mind, I didn't succeed, I didn't get out alive.

My counselor made a lot of points rather similar to things my mom has told me in the past, one being the question of if I'd be so mean to a friend of mine if they were struggling the way I was. If I'd consider other people useless as I consider myself, get as angry as I get at myself. Well, I have gotten angry at other people over the glacier-slow schedule TAPAS keeps, but no, I could never possibly be as angry at someone else for that as I am at myself. I don't just get mad at myself on a daily basis for failing to achieve the day's goals... I outright hate myself. Always have, ever since I was a precocious toddler, and my politeness and scientific literacy just made people laugh. That hurt. And I've never stopped hurting.

See, I've been convinced from a young age that of all the people in the world, surely there's not one out there who matches me for dysfunction, lack of motivation, social inadequacy, inability to cope. So I expect so much better out of everyone else in the world. And faced with proof that other people struggle just as much as I do? That emotionally wrecked me, because my view of the whole world was shattered. I resented realizing that the rest of the world isn't better than me, that they couldn't fix my flaws and elevate me. If I'm not the least resilient person on earth, if I'm normal, what hope is there for humanity?

But hey, quite a bit of the above are themes of Better Yet?, definitely keep an eye out for that show, it's damn good. I know it's good because not once have I thought that the fact that I'm starring in it has doomed it to failure. Even I could make the material good.

Well, I mean, that's not really a thought that I would have, I've always been pretty sure that I'm a good actor. Good writer? Not on demand or from any sort of prompt, but I think so. And I'm always where I need to be on time, and I can navigate an airport. These are things about me that impress other people. I don't really get it, for me it's how can I not show up on time? And it's not like I'm any good at the job once I get there. So I don't impress myself, and more to the point, that is everything I'm good at, and you don't get paid for any of that unless you strike gold. And I've come to see other good aspects, like that I always finish what I start and that I always tell the truth, as vices, because depression now means finishing a project takes years longer than it did when I was a kid... and valuing honesty? To get ahead in this world you have to spread bullshit, and I can't bring myself to do that.

So, er, that was a bit of a tangent, I didn't mean to really go off on my insecurities in so much detail. The point is, you know... TAPAS was never meant as this big "me" thing where I boss everyone around. It was to bring people together from all corners of my life and bond with them while being creative, something most of the people I love are all about.

It hasn't been that easy. Art is hard enough when it's yours. Doing the work on someone else's art, that's stressful, and we have indeed gone through a lot of stress in the past year. Doesn't help that I have a lot of trouble explaining my art. After being told a few too many times that no one cares, actually trying to explain my stories and characters instantly sends me into defensive panic mode; I can never finish telling it before I shut down. And now, with progress actually being made, I've been keeping most of it just between me and the individual artists, because as I said earlier, I'm scared now of making grand claims lest I once again hit a massive wall, fade away, and end up looking like a deluded fool who dreamt too big.

But now, now it's getting done, and I think it's time to start spreading that news and development throughout the whole team, letting all the insiders know... you are not alone. Those of you reading this blog who aren't insiders, well, no one reads this blog, so, never mind, my statement here is, the blog will stay the same. But I'm going to try to make the TAPAS Insiders communities on Discord and Facebook.... I was going to say "lively again", but they've never been lively, they've generally been little more than me speaking into the void, but I will try to make them a living, intimate place. Where we can create.